Struggles

I tried to come up with a more poetic title to this post, but in the end, the simple truth seemed best. I have been struggling to keep things moving forward. I have spent more time trying to sort through what I can do to make this happen than actually folding cranes. I am hopeful that this is changing.

What changes have I made? First, I have rarely been blogging anymore. It is time consuming, and when I have struggled to make progress there seemed little to report. Secondly, I have decided to put my business on sabbatical. I could not invest the time to keep that viable in this economy, while also work to move this project forward. I had a commitment to do a wholesale show this past May, so I had to do that, and fill the orders I received at the show. I am now doing only a few select bits of work here and there for the business, but it is essentially closed down. I am no longer actively seeking new business. Finally, I have had to repair damage on the home front. Without going into details, let's just say, carrying all I was carrying was a burden to my family as well. I have made adjustments there as well.

There was a point this summer when I thought it was done. I would not be able to make this happen. I had received a few more rejections in the mail for grants, and for space to exhibit. I had sent out thousands of squares of paper to people who promised to fold them into cranes for the project. Only a tiny fraction found their way back to me. Efforts to reach out to groups or individuals for assistance, financial or by way of manpower had returned very little. I just didn't see how I could ever complete it. I had to accept that this project was bigger than I could handle.

But, this is a project that will not die a quiet death. It has grabbed a hold of my heart in ways I cannot describe. So as I talked with my husband about the challenges I faced he offered a solution for one of my most vexing challenges. I have over 7000 waxed paper cranes on hand now. A huge number, but no where near the 100,000 I ultimately wanted to have. And I did not want to abandon this aspect of the project. It was integral to the concept that the Iraqi's who have died be represented. Dave suggested an innovative solution...mirrors. You may have seen the infinity effect that can be created by placing two mirrored surfaces opposite each other. Suddenly I saw a way forward again. I could end up with 10 to 15 thousand waxed paper cranes without an overwhelming struggle, and I could use those to create the effect I wanted. We really do not have a good idea how many Iraqis have died as a result of the war; only estimates at best. The mirrored infinity effect would convey the message of the vast numbers of Iraqis who died without having to have 100,000 cranes on hand.

This led to another redesign of the project. I had originally planned to have the polymer clay cranes hanging. But this creates a major obstacle to finding a place to install the project. There was to be a strand for each week of the war....6 and a half years already...nearly 400 strands. And the process of hanging the cranes on the strands is extremely time consuming. The cranes will be placed on platforms instead. Each platform will represent one year of the war. This will allow a smaller footprint for the project, and a more manageable installation.

These changes have led to a re-consideration of the lighting. Originally I had visualized a bright, well lit space. But, in order for the mirrored surfaces to work to create the infinity effect, the space between the two surfaces needs to be lit brighter than the external space. So the brightest space in the room will be this display. It will be about 8 feet wide, and 7 feet high, and a few feet deep. And inside it will be the waxed paper cranes...seemingly extending forever. The platforms holding all of the other cranes will each have a spot light on them. I think this will have more power than my original concept.

One question I continually get is where will it be displayed. I still don't know. Or when it will be completed. I have to respect the limited resources that I have. I cannot expect to complete this in a few months, or maybe even in another year. At one time I was afraid that if I didn't get it done "in time" no one would care. No one would want to see it. But, the truth is, that there will always be people who will connect with the message I am trying to convey. As long as we fight wars, it will have meaning and purpose.

If you want to help you can make a tax deductible donation through the New York Foundation for the Arts. They are fiscal sponsors for this project. Any donation will be greatly appreciated.

Living the Numbers

I have always had a facility for remembering numbers. Although, these days when people have more than one phone number, and we may have several pin numbers floating in our head, that ability has been challenged. And yet, I find the statistics of this war are carried in my head.

At any point in time, if the subject of this project comes up, I find the current toll is right at the top of my head. Yesterday, as I heard the radio in the background, they were discussing the deaths of two contractors. Immediately I found myself doing the math...450.

How many, or perhaps I should say, how few of us realize just how many people are dying each and every day in Iraq. The Iraq Body Count, a fairly conservative estimate of the Iraqis that have died is over 100,000 now. We have hit the nice round number of 4300 American soldiers.

But, all of these facts don't have the impact for me that seeing all the cranes collecting in my basement, or the bags and boxes of waxed paper cranes. And, I have a long way to go still.

This Memorial Day weekend, if you can, find out about one person who died in Iraq, if you don't know anyone. There is plenty of information on line. Join their families and friends, and have that person on your mind this weekend. Make their spirit precious to you for a day. You will be living what Memorial Day weekend was meant to be. Not about picnics, and sales. Those things will happen regardless. But along side them, especially while we are at war in two countries, we need to remember and honor.

Measures of Progress

I have found myself bogged down in the process of making polymer clay cranes. For much of the winter, progress dragged to a slow crawl. I struggled to get them made, and I also searched for an answer to why it was such a challenge.

Of course, shear magnitude of the numbers, and the fact the number keeps growing is perhaps a small part of the challenge. It is easy to feel overwhelmed. But I knew it was something deeper than that.

Why?

In the beginning of a new project, there is lots of energy, and that surely has worn off by now. But, this was deeper than that.

What was it?

I think I finally figured out where at least part of the challenge was coming from.

I print out the names and other information that I transfer on to the wings in sheets of thirty. And I make the cranes in a tray with eight at a time. Those numbers; the numbers per sheet, and per tray, could be considered the constants of this project. What has changed though, is that as I moved into late 2004, and beyond, is the rate of casualties.

May 2005 seemed as if it would never end. I would make a tray of cranes and be dismayed to see that it was only a few days at best. I finally finished May, and felt a sense of renewal as I began a new month. This energy was quickly dissipated, as I began working on June. I'd finish up a sheet of names, and begin a new one. I'd scan the information, and found myself looking at the dates.

How far would this take me?

From 6/5 to 6/11. Six days. About five deaths per day on average.

It is like the air being withdrawn from a balloon. A quick deflation.

This is my challenge. Not getting caught up in the details of what I am doing to a degree that I can't work on the project.

The need to absorb these realities works at cross purposes at times to the progress of the project. It is awareness that I am trying to create. But the process of creation creates hyper-awareness that can be overwhelming. I need to try and close my brain off to the calendar progress. Through 2007, at least, it will be slow going. If I get calendar-centric, it will be even slower going.

I have made almost 1700 polymer clay cranes. I have over 6200 waxed paper cranes, and more from vellum and magazine articles. That is a lot of cranes. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. Not be always looking forward to all that work yet to be done, but occasionally looking over my shoulder at all that has already happened. Letting that shore me up when the slog seems too long and hard.

Take a look...quite a few cranes, huh?

Fiscal Sponsorship.....Yayyyy!!!

I have received fiscal sponsorship for this project from the New York Foundation for the Arts. What does that mean? It means that donations to the project are now tax deductible, when they ar made through NYFA. It means that they see this project as one they want to help succeed. It took two rounds of applications, and lots of learning about the process of applying for grants and more, but it is a big psychological boost.

Thursday evening I was in Hartford, at Real Art Ways. This project was one of those in a Slide Slam shown that night. Images of the work of 126 artists were shown. I also was able to talk with a few people about the project....planting seeds....always planting seeds.

Six Years

Six years.
Nearly $607 billion dollars.
4260 American soldiers.
Nearly 100,000 (or more) Iraqi citizens.
317 Coalition forces.
167 Journalists.
More than 447 contractors.

Why?

Ambivalence about Contractors

For a long time, I was very ambivalent about whether or not to include the contractors in this project. I suppose the ambivalence comes from a few different places. First, there are all the stories about Blackwater that made me want to just stay away from the subject all together. Secondly, these were people who chose to go to this war in a way that military people do not. They are hired, and can quit or be fired. Did it make sense to include these numbers?

I honestly avoided the question for most of last year. I didn't want to make a decision. About a month ago, I started to look at the information on the contractor's deaths. There were 446 known deaths to contractors. As I scan the information I knew I had to include them. Give someone a name and other statistics, and it seemed criminal to exclude them from the project.

As I thought about my decision there was another factor that pushed me towards inclusion. By using contractors, we are hiring out jobs that in previous wars would have been done by our our military forces. By hiring out these jobs, their losses do not show up in the counts. The numbers that we tend to see are being artificial reduced by this tactic of using contractors. Realizing this made it a firm decision for me.

I still don't know what I will fold to represent contractors who lost their lives. Paper printed to look like dollar bills? Vellum in another color? I don't know yet. But, their numbers, as best as they can be known, will be represented.

Christmas Eve in Iraq

This was not the blog post I had planned for my next post.

But sometimes, life intervenes, and let's you know that you need to adapt. This is one such moment.

Each day, at least once a day, I go to an online database, and check the counts; of American soldiers, other coalition forces, journalists and contractors. If there is any change, I make my updates manually to this blog, and a lens I have made about the project on Squidoo. It is a task I mostly do with little thinking; clicking on the bookmark that takes me to the information that I need. And, most days, in recent months, the numbers do not change. Deaths are declining. So, it perhaps hits me a little harder when I do see a change. The last few days the numbers have climbed, from 4209 to 4216.

Today, three soldiers died in southern Iraq in a vehicle accident. 12/24/08. While we are busy preparing for the holidays, or worrying about the economy, there are people who have families and friends in harms way every day. So in addition to the burdens we all carry everyday, they have a profound one.

Over the next week of celebrations, if you find yourself being annoyed by one of your relatives, or impatient with your spouse, pause for a moment and recognize that you are lucky that you only need be annoyed. Think about the friends and family who are receiving news of the loss of the person they hold dear. And try and hold them in your thoughts for a few moments in the next few days. Send them as much love and strength as you can. They will need it. And for all the other people who have already lost loved ones, or have family or friends serving now, or heading off to duty soon.



And I wish all of you, a year filled with much peace, love, good health and prosperity, as is humanly possible!